The War Against Sliced Bread
By Robert Tabb


Robert Tabb
Stadelhofer
ENC1101
30 Sept 2000

The War Against Sliced Bread

"That's the best thing since sliced bread!" This phrase has been
repeated thousands of times since sliced bread was invented.
What, exactly, makes sliced bread so great? Is it the way that it all
comes cut in convenient slices so that people can be lazy? Is it the
fact that when you accidentally take too many out, it's damn near
impossible to get it back in without messing it up? Perhaps it's
because all of the exposed bread gets stale super-quickly?

America, over time, has become, not the land of opportunity, but
rather, the land of overt laziness. The fact that bread comes in
slices is one clear example of this. "America" doesn't want to go to
the kitchen, open the drawer, whip out a knife, and slice it's bread.
America wants bread that is pre-sliced. As is commonly known, what
America wants, America gets.

Have you ever noticed that, sometimes, when you get bread out, you
mistakenly take out one too many, or change your mind altogether?
When this occurs you are in a catch-twenty-two. This piece of
sliced bread is doomed. If you try and cram it back in the bag then
it's bound to get ruined, and you can't very well leave it out. So the
bread either gets used or thrown away when it could have easily
been saved if you had to cut it yourself.

When bread comes already sliced, and you leave the bag open for a
little while, or maybe you fail to close it properly, it has a
tendency to go stale. All of the exposed bread is now un-eatable.
With conventional bread, only the edge gets stale. All the yummy
goodness in the middle is still ripe for the slicing. All you need to
do is to procure a knife from the kitchen drawer and cut away.

Perhaps, sliced bread is really a conspiracy concocted by the
bread companies so that they can sell more bread. If you ruin the
bread trying to put it back, or if you leave it open, then you have to
go back to the grocery store, fork over some more money, and buy
some more bread. Now this requires effort, and we all know that we
don't want that. Now, as far as the laziness goes, I firmly believe that
the United States Government is in on it. If all of America is
sitting in their recliners, watching Jerry Springer, and, heaven
forbid, eating a sandwich made with pre-sliced bread, then the government
can send out a pulse to take control of all of the lazy minds
that are not ready for the onslaught. Maybe we are all doomed due to
our laziness and to our sliced bread. Remember that the next time you
hear the phrase, "That's the best thing since sliced bread.